I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
