Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
