this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
