I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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