I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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