Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
