You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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