i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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