Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
