90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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