Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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