he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
