I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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