Banned from zoo.
Again?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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