Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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