Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
