Ambien. No doubt about it.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
