i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
