I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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