i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I can't put those talents on a resume
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
