I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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