Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
