So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.