She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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