Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
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I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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