i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
