The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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