i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Actions speak louder than pants.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
