i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
