it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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