Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
