Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
