Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
