She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
