Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
dude i'm inner monologue high
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist