drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
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and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
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You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.