is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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