What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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