It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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