you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
