Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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