There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
