even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
