sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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