I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
