Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
