I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
