1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
