You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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