just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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