Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
