if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
