Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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