I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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