She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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