maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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